3 Strategy-Changing Tips For Landing A Job

Fact: "14% of parking attendants have college degrees."

How's that make you feel?

Right, you're a loser. Unemployment is still high, maybe not as much so as it was during our recent near-catastrophic recessionary period, but still uncomfortably elevated. And if you're jobless, and are not actively seeking employment, or have not looked for employment in the past four weeks, you are not represented in the unemployment rate. You don't count. Sit back and fathom on how many people out there at this very moment are jobless and don't even count towards the unemployment rate percentage.

Point is, shits tough. Where do you fit in?

Does any of this sound familiar:

You're looking for work. You know how things function by now, right? The days of paper applications are no more. Everywhere you go you are redirected to a company website to fill out an application. So you stop your in-person search and turn to the digital world. You fill out countless applications online and take hour long screening tests. You sign up for Careerbuilder. You make a LinkedIn account. You scour through Craigslist ads and send endless generic emails hoping to hear back from someone, anyone.

Then, by some miracle...

You got mail. (AOL robot man voice)

It's from a hiring director. Or some type of manager. Strange, you don't recall applying to this company. You've never even heard of this company. "Whatever" you think to yourself, "a job's a job." You read on. You're being recruited. Alas, someone recognizes how special you are.

"First-year sales income can range from $50K to $100K, and management opportunities of up to $150K per year are available. I would like to meet with you this week."

Unreal. This can't be. But wait, you read on. The income estimates are commission based. In fact,the entire position is commission based. Wait, you don't even know what this company does.

You Google the company.

Before you can finish typing their name, Google suggests you search the word "SCAM" along with the company name. But why Google? Why? You listen to Google. Google knows best. You click Search.

All of their employee reviews may or may not be terrible. They may or may not have had a class action lawsuit filed against them recently by disgruntled ex-employees. They may or may not be a pyramid scheme dubbing their business model to be"Multi-level marketing." They may or may not be door to door salespeople who will force you to cold-knock on people's doors offering them a free 2 liter bottle of Coca-cola Classic in exchange for "some of their time." They may or may not force you to attend seminars about successful people in their company. They may or may not force you to buy a website that they will conveniently "design" for you to help sell their products. They may or may not make over half of their profit from their own employees.

If you were adept enough to not respond to a company desperate enough to come looking for you, then there is hope for you yet. Read on soldier.

So you're fed up. No company you've applied for has even sent a thank you note. No one has called. No one has emailed you back. No one loves you. You're mother probably gave up on retirement because of you. You're pathetic.

What's the problem here?

Well, what do most people do at this point?

They give up?



Actually, no.

Instead...

They continue doing exactly what they have been doing.

Here's where my advice comes in. The majority of unemployed people who are honestly looking for work (and not just listing places they never really applied to in order to receive their unemployment benefits check) seem to continue the same vicious cycle: Apply--Wait--Get Pissed--Repeat.

Just like any science experiment will show, if you don't change a variable, the result will be the same. You have to do something different.

 

WHAT TO DO DIFFERENT:

• Update/polish your resume. A small change like this will help get the ball rolling. Seek expert advice. Most cities have career centers that pay people to sit around and critique resumes all day. Universities career centers are another option as well. You'll be surprised as to just how much your resume sucks. Make sure you not only have a digital resume file but also a generous amount of printed copies. It would help to get your copies printed on nice resume-purposed paper, so getting them printed at an office supply chain is a good idea.

• Network with your network and your network's network. You must have some friends. Do they know you're looking for work? They should. Do their friends know you're looking for work? They probably shouldn't under normal circumstances but fuck it spread the word. Let it be known by every person within your reach that you're seeking employment. It's not about what you know, it's about who you know. Having a current or even ex-employee recommend you to the hiring manager of a company will shoot you straight to top of their callback list. It's arguably the most effective way to get your foot in the door. People are generally eager to help for their own selfish reasons anyway, so you'll be doing them a favor too.

• Show your face. Now that job hunting is primarily digital, its becoming more and more difficult for hiring managers to select who to call. The digital world makes it easy to mass apply for work which makes it common for companies to become flooded with applications. They might not call the most qualified applicant simply because they'll never get around to looking at their application. Use this to your advantage. Having a polished resume may help set you apart. But do you want to know what will really do the trick? Showing up. Show up. Leave your house, and show up. You've already applied online. Go get your job. Show up to the places you've applied to and ask to speak to a manager. If they're not there, come back later or the next day. Do not give up on a job hunt until a hiring manager personally tells you the position is unavailable. Showing your face not only shows your interest in a company but it also sets you apart from their stack of applicants because now they'll have a face to associate your application/resume with. Showing up also gives you the opportunity to charm and befriend employees and staff.

There you have it.

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3 Phrases To Get You Off The 'I Need Some Relationship Advice' Hook

"Maybe he's gay."

Preface:

Do you often find yourself, by force, analyzing romantic relationships which you are not even in?

Are you one of those rare types of people with actual reason whom, because of this, friends tend to go to for relationship advice?

Have you realized, yet, that no matter how spot-on your advice may be, it's rarely implemented because your friends are all stupid?

Are you sick of these same friends relying on you to get them through their romantic woes as if you're some kind of love scientist?

Fear not fellow smart person. I have the key to unlocking the door to relationship advice freedom.


I, too, was one of these unlucky types. Although those who know me now would laugh at the notion, I was once just a phone call, text message or I-M away from the best  advice since Lucy's psychiatric 5 cent booth.

It feels good to help a friend in need. But sooner or later you start to realize that most of the friends who incessantly need your help, are either self-sabotaging morons or legitimately terrible-hearted human beings. I don't mind helping the occasional troubled friend. But 90% of the time (or something like that), those asking for advice fall into the two previously mentioned categories.

We've all heard the phrase "misery loves company" before. Its premise is understandable, especially in these situations. Consequently, this phrase opened my eyes as to how consuming the relationship troubles of others was poisoning my own thoughts about not just love but life in general. As humans, we naturally try to relate to what others talk about. Surrounding yourself with the negative baggage of others will eventually cause you to pick at your own negative life occurrences and problems. I remember times, listening to someones problems, and then "discovering" I shared very similar problems. Essentially they helped blossom a negative aspect of my life which I previously didn't know existed. I realize now, giving life to a problem is what makes it a problem. Basically you're hurting your own psyche by trying to help all your miserable, lifeless friends.

Free yourself.

Here's how:

  

3 Failure Proof Phrases To Get You Off The "I Need Some Relationship Advice" Hook

Phrase #1

"That sucks. You need a drink."

Works best when someone finishes their long story with "and I just don't know what to do." It shows them you really don't care about anything they just said, but that you're considerate enough to not say so. It also suggests you fix your own problems with alcohol which means you might not be the best person to go to advice for. Ha.

Best case scenario: They go out for drinks with you, have a blast, hook up with you or someone else (or both, whatever), and return to you for fun instead of advice.

Most likely scenario: They reply with laughter and think that you're kidding... You're not kidding.

Worst case scenario: They go out for drinks with you, have a blast, hook up with you or someone else, and start crying hysterically by the end of the night, full of regret for the events that just took place.





Phrase #2

"20 years from now, none of what you just said will matter. Pretend its 20 years from now."

Works best when someones relationship problems have anything to do with change. Their partner is changing, they're changing, their partner is moving, they're moving, or someone died, or something. It shows them that you're not taking what they're telling you seriously, in a humorous way--and that maybe they shouldn't be taking themselves so seriously, either. And if you really think about it, that statement holds truth. Plus if you can tell someone you don't care and make them laugh in the process, then you're life is perfect.

Best case scenario: You don't hear from them for 20 years.

Most likely scenario: They laugh, agree, and change the subject.

Worst case scenario: They laugh, agree, and don't change the subject.





Phrase #3

"Not sure if you've noticed, but I'm single. How often do you ask fat people for diet advice?"

Works best in any and every situation. Best given with a smile from the deliverer of the message to soften the saying's blow. Oh, and I know you're single. People in relationships don't ask other people in relationships for advice for obvious reasons. First off, people in relationships often compare their relationships to others. The last thing they want to do is seem less satisfied than another couple, so they focus on the good stuff when talking to someone who's taken.

They focus on the bullshit with you.

In their subconscious mind they conclude "I don't mind telling (your name here) about my relationship problems because, well, they're single and probably lonely, so it can't get much worse than that. Plus they can't really judge me, I'm actually loved by someone other than myself." Why not reinforce their misguided train of thought by directly pointing out the fact that you're unqualified to give advice on something you are obviously not successful in? Every time they ask you for advice is like a slap in the face anyway. Slap back a little.

Best case scenario: They never ever ask you for relationship advice again.

Most likely scenario: They never ever ask you for relationship advice again.

Worst case scenario: You need a new friend.

But so what.


Try these out, let me know if you have any luck.

Leave any of your own phrase suggestions in the comment section.

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The Facebook Queen

T h e F a c e b o o k Q u e e n

Every body's got one...

You know who I'm talking about...

A majestic, awe-inspiring, beauty. You want her. Your friends want her. I want her. Every picture update gracefully rises to the top of your News Feed. You embrace this. She has "professional model" pictures in their own separate album. They are awesome. They are legendary masturbation material for you and all of your friends. You all assume she does not know this. You are all wrong.

She may write: "Doing my hair!" and in five minutes, over 30 people will "Like" it. She will be one of those 30 people. She assumes no one will notice. She is wrong. This does not bother you. Her inconceivable one-track-mindedness matches her equally strong, often misguided and ridiculous, opinions. Every status update will be a step backwards for all of mankind. If anything is slowing down the progression of the human race, it's her. This does not bother you, either.

Naturally, she has a questionably high friend count. It would be a crime against all that is holy for anyone to miss out on any intricate detail of her life. She will never comment or "Like" any of your content. To her, you do not exist. Why should you? The world is better this way.

She craves attention. She will never admit this. Lonely men and friend-desperate women will privately message her on a daily basis. She will complain about this publicly. Secretly, it completes her. She was going to answer your message that one time, but she chose to continue being better than you instead. She is taken, not by a real boyfriend, but by her "lets joke about being lesbians" best friend. Lesbians hate her. If you think her Facebook is amazing, you should have seen her Myspace.

BEWARE:

Avoid meeting your Facebook Queen for you risk disturbing the delicate balance of this relationship. She rules this particular domain for a reason. The Internet is the only place she will ever dominate. She will never look as beautiful as her photos portray. She will never be as witty or wise as her About Me suggests. The voice you constructed in your mind that she would have will either be extra high pitched or alarmingly manly. She will not piss lemonade or shit rainbow-colored strawberries as you were so sure she would. Save yourself the disappointment. If you ever see her out in public, its understandable to get angry. She needs to stay on Facebook where she belongs.

Unfortunately, some of us already know our Facebook Queens personally. We know they're not "that hot." We know that they are sometimes morons and often uninteresting human beings. But when we fail to see and interact with them in person for a long enough period of time, we tend to fall under their spell again. Its a vicious cycle of cyber social conditioning which we must learn to accept. Every picture update will seduce our jaded opinion of her. We will hate ourselves for it, but we are powerless to our caveman-like mental wiring.

Still, we commend the Facebook Queen, for it not for you, our social media lives would falter. Without the evolution of the Facebook Queen label, think of what all the average-looking (by society's standards, not theirs) women with picture editing software, basic manipulative knowledge, and too much time on their hands would do with themselves? From her, we get quality self-pleasuring content, and plenty of shit-talk-at-the-bar topics. From us, she gets all the attention the real world refuses to give her. Everybody wins. We must thank Facebook, for providing the only diversion from the outside world that could possibly distract these amazing digital-thriving creatures: Themselves.

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Study Concludes Women Find Happy Men Less Attractive

In 2011 the University Of British Columbia published a study which discovered that women find happy men "significantly less attractive." Well, they exaggerated a bit. Essentially they found that the average woman finds a man who is smiling less attractive than a man displaying a proud and powerful, or moody and ashamed facial expression.

Finally, a study proves that those dudes who walk around smiling all the time are just fucking creepy. Well, the study doesn't prove that really but it's what I chose to take from it. Beyond my own opinions on the subject:

"Lead researcher Professor Jessica Tracy said: 'While showing a happy face is considered essential to friendly social interactions, including those involving sexual attraction - few studies have actually examined whether a smile is, in fact, attractive."

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1390319/Scientists-happy-men-significantly-attractive-ladies.html#ixzz1jVdr3zYF

Note to my game, smiling = less play.

Interestingly enough, the study found that men were more attracted to women who smile. I guess that makes sense since we tend to confuse friendliness for sluttiness (wishful thinking?). And if there's one thing men universally love; it's sluts. Again, my reasoning is horrible. Still, confidence is key so I doubt the study intended to influence men to look completely miserable to appear more attractive. This is not of much concern to me as I assume any competent male would understand how to apply what the study found.

The problem I have with the study is that there are different types of smiles. Did the study take the different types into account? Which types were they showing the participants? You could sit there and define hundreds of types. Instead, lets put them all under two categories: Charming, and Creepy.

Charming Smile:

Someone should kill this guy.

Creepy Smile:

Someone probably got killed by this guy.

Point taken.

How was this study conducted you ask? Well since you were too lazy to click the link I provided, I'll spare you the chore:

"More than 1,000 adult participants rated the sexual attractiveness of hundreds of images of the opposite sex. These photos included universal displays of happiness (broad smiles), pride (raised heads, puffed-up chests) and shame (lowered heads, averted eyes)."

Easy enough, lets run our own experiment.

Guys, I made it so you can take part in this experiment as well, by using a man so attractive it's actually perfectly normal to find him attractive without being homosexual. It's actually impossible not to find him attractive (there are studies being conducted as we speak to prove this).

You know those days when you just feel good for no reason? You wake up on the right side of bed, the weather agrees with you, your clothing choices agree with you, everyone seems to be delighted by your presence, and it seems like no matter what you do everything keeps happening in your favor? That's the kind of day God was having when he made this man.

Ladies and gentlemen: Brad Pitt

More on why Pitt is the perfect choice for our experiment:

Jokes.com
Daniel Tosh - Pitt/Beckham Baby
comedians.comedycentral.com
Daniel Tosh Comedians Stand-Up

The Experiment:


I leave it to you. Before you decide to stop smiling around the women you want to sleep with, answer this final question with all honesty:

Which Pitt would you rather screw?

Smiling Pitt:

Non Smiling Pitt:

Both? Fuck.

Me too.

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4 Essential Rules To Working The System

This message is brought to you by the top 1% earners of the United States of America.

Although my time on this planet has been brief, I have come to the understanding that not all things here are understandable. If I was made editor of the dictionary I would define fairness as, "some mythical shit." And if you were to look up equality, its definition would read: "see fairness." I've somewhat come to grips with how things work in our society. Nothing is perfect, neither is anyone. Using what I've organized below to your advantage may help you get ahead in an unfair world. Let me explain:

I had a teacher in 8th grade who hated me. Early into the semester it was obvious she had it out for me. Seriously, even doing my best work was not enough Ms. DevilWoman. I could have gotten an A on an exam and still been kicked out of class later that period. She once wrote "give up" on one of my papers. Psychopath. Whatever, I didn't understand her. I didn't grasp what was going on.

In 10th grade I fell asleep in economics class so profusely that I was awoken by my professor after class had been dismissed and cleared. As I wiped the drool off my desk and face, I explained why I was so often caught snoring in his class. I told him how I was working late nights to help pay rent and other living expenses for my mother, sister and I--and that it was taking its toll. We spoke for the next 15 minutes about my situation and something in my deck of life cards connected with his own. I got an A in his class. Even though I slept almost every day for his entire 45 minute lecture, always skipped his essay questions on the exams, and rarely turned in homework, he still gave me an A.

I never asked him how I earned that grade. I never cared to. Because of him, I learned one of the most important life lessons of all: Work the fucking system. Our lives are filled with a series of systems we must follow to succeed. There's the school system, the social system, the job system, government system, etc. Life is all about knowing how to work each one--no matter which one you're facing. The only way to work a system is to get those who work above you on your side. My 8th grade teacher simply didn't like me. I didn't know until later in life that it is very possible and even common for teachers to hate some of their students in a very personal matter. Hate does not discriminate with age. Had I known human nature finds it acceptable for an adult to hate a child, I may have played the game differently in 8th grade. Getting your superiors to genuinely like you is the secret to working any system. I don't care how talented you are at what you do, these rules are invaluable to your success:

4 Essential Rules To Working The System

1. It's not just what you know, it's who you know.

If you honestly think that all CEOs are exceptionally skilled individuals with above average intelligence, well, than you can disregard this entire post because you're hopeless and I personally hate you. In fact, get off my site. Oh, that also means you do not watch nor read the news. Take a look at our politicians. We use to have a president who made up words. That's right, the most powerful man in our country at one point was illiterate. Still, I give credit where credit is due. These select few knew, followed, and utilized this rule all the way to their success. Besides, what other explanation is there for idiots to be in positions of power? ....Yea, exactly.

2. Don't be a dick.

Basically, do not, by any means, be a douche bag to those in higher positions than you. That goes for work, school, social circles, etc. Even if you passionately hate their very essence and life energy, learn to win their hearts (stop short of becoming a suck up of course, or you risk being hated by everyone else, including me). Be cautious in being a dick to those who you feel you have nothing to gain from, too. You honestly just never know who people might know or be connected to (see rule no. 1). You may be the most talented person in the world at whatever it is that you do, but if people don't like you, you won't get far. People will inevitably get in your way along any journey in life. The more disliked you are, the tougher it's going to be to get past these road blocks (and the more of them there will be). On the other hand, the more liked you are, the more help you are going to get along the way. What I'm saying is, when you're cruising down that road, would you rather hit a bunch of road blocks, or drive over neon-glowing arrows that give your car huge speed-boosting rocket packs? That's a terrible analogy but I refuse to backspace it. Deal with it.
  

3.  Every system has a weakness. Find it, master it, and use it.

The best way to explain this is for you to think back on your own life experiences. For instance, think of when you started a new job. You were taught the correct way to do your job and at first, things seemed overwhelming. 3-6 months later you were breezing through your work tasks. Even if you hated your job by this point, you no longer worried about getting the work done. What happened? Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but you either discovered, or were taught, the shortcuts and loopholes of the job. "I know we're suppose to do things this way, but it's faster if we do this." That's right people, "trade secrets" are, at their core, weaknesses of their system. Weakness is everywhere, it's your job to find it, master it, and use it.

  

4.  Keep everyone content, especially your enemies.

This is crucial when you get to higher positions in whatever system you're working. Not everyone wants the throne, but some may not want you on it, either. The easiest way to stay on top and continue moving up is to keep everyone along the way happy and on your side (no matter how far down the food chain they are). Just because people like you as a person doesn't mean they like the positions and titles you've acquired. If you thought karma was a bitch, you haven't met envy. People will resent you. Although this is somewhat out of your control, how much they resent you is not. Even if John Doe resents how far you've gotten, keeping him happy (simple gestures, hellos, friendship), will lower his threat level considerably. Many of these people will actually be those who helped you along your way. People tend to think they want to see others succeed, until these others actually succeed. You will have to outshine higher ups to get higher up. There's no way around it. This is where enemies are made. Befriending your enemies will make your journey easy. Provoking your enemies will make your journey hard. Ignoring your enemies will be your downfall.

Uhhh...

Okay, some may not agree with anything I've written. I'm not saying being an honest, hard-working individual isn't going to get you far. What I am saying is, being an honest, hard-working individual is hard. And even those who argue it's worth it, have gotten fucked over way more times than they've deserved. I believe there has to be a balance. Hard work does pay off. I just think it'll pay off a little faster with some strategy. Life isn't fair, and that sucks. You can either fall victim to this, or learn to get on the side that benefits from it. It's up to you.

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